'Ghost of Elections Future' gives Dems a preview of November

 

   I'm the Ghost of Elections Future.

    I'm escorting my two new friends, typical Kansas Democrat voters Vic and Vicky Victim, on the last leg of our midnight post-primary election tour as we preview the upcoming fall election contests in the state.

Vic and Vicky, say hello to our audience...

        Vic: KRIS KOBACH IS A NAZI!

        Vicky: Yeah.

Vic, we've been over this. Kris Kobach is not a candidate this fall. He was defeated in Tuesday's Republican primary.

Vicky: Hooray!...wait..what?

Kobach lost his primary and won't be on the November ballot.

Vic: But...he took money from White Nationalists. He...he suppresses black voters. He...We were gonna beat him easy.

Now, Vic, get used to the fact Kobach will never again be a candidate for office in Kansas. You'll have to move on now.

Vic: But...HE'S...A...RACIST!

Moving along, let's look at the U.S. Senate race. Your candidate is Barbara Bollier. She's a doctor.

Vicky:  Good. She can cure Covid when she's elected. Trump has killed millions with that disease, and HE'S A RACIST, too. We're for her.

However, she used to be a Republican.

Vic: What? She was a Nazi, too? I'm against her, I think.

No, far from it. See her here on the Senate floor a few years back? She's wagging her finger in the faces of some conservative members, and criticizing her own Governor Brownback for his tax cuts for businesses. Here you can see her voting to expand abortion rights in the state.

Vic: Well, that's more like it. I'm for her.

Her opponent is named Marshall; he's a doctor also.

Vicky: Did you say his name was Field Marshall? So, HE'S A NAZI, too? And a doctor? I've heard terrible things Nazi doctors did to people. So, he's one of them, too?

No, he's a Congressman and an obstetrician. He delivers babies.

Vicky: Big deal. Is he Pro-Choice?

No, he's against abortion.

Vicky: So, he HATES WOMEN and wants to take away their control of their own bodies? More Toxic Masculinity. I don't like him.

I never doubted that. Next, we have a couple of Congressional races to preview. This is Congressman Watkins of the Kansas 2nd District.

Vic: HE'S A CROOK! On Facebook I heard he voted several times in the same election. Keeps lying about his address; what's he hiding? Somebody told me he still lives with his parents and eats red meat. What a loser! I think he's going to jail.

He was also defeated Tuesday. He won't be running in November.

Vic: Good...what? A crook is easy to beat. Crap.Who's running instead?

Jake LaTurner. Here he is, with his wife and young family.

Vicky: "LaTurner?" What is he, French? He can't run here, can he? He looks like the 'Where's Waldo' guy. Or a White Supremacist. What's he hiding?

Nothing so far. Hes a young fellow with a nice-looking, All-American Family. Already been elected statewide once – has a bright future, most people say.

Vicky: Pfffftt. He's done something to somebody, you can bet on it. He's a white male; there's no telling what hes up to.

But, isn't your husband a white male also?

Vicky: My what? Are you for real? We're not married. We don't go for all that  legal mumbo-jumbo. We're free to come and go as we please. None of that Male Domination crap for me. Besides, Vic's not really a man, that's just how he identifies right now.

    I'm sorry...I just assumed...

Vicky: (Laughing) Who are you, my Dad?

Our last stop is the neighboring District, the Kansas Third. Two women are running here, Amanda Adkins, and incumbent Sharice Davids.

Vicky: Good. Two Sisters running. Both victims of Male Oppression. Which one is the Democrat?

That's Congresswoman Davids.

Vic: Wait...a...minute. She's an Indian. Is it legal for her to run for office?

Yes, Vic. She won easily last time; defeated an incumbent. You might be interested to know she's also a former MMA fighter.

Vic: She scares me. I'll vote for her..but..she scares me. I'm probably going to need a cry room and a puppy.

Shes also a lesbian.

Vicky: I don't blame her a bit. The fewer men in the way, the better (nods toward Vic).

Well, that's the end of our tour. Just one more thing. (A picture of President Trump appears)...

Vic: Arrrgh. RACIST! Hes going to kill us all with the Covid!

Vicky: He's PUTIN'S PUPPET!

President Trump carried Kansas by more than 20 points in 2016. If he does that well again this year, all your candidates are going to lose;  some very badly. I've been sent here to warn you of what lies ahead.

Vic and Vicky: (In unison) But, KOBACH IS A NAZI!!  ###

– David Hicks is a political analyst and editorialist for The Anderson County Review.